Listening is greatly undervalued skill. Everybody talks about being a great speaker, but even more than being an excellent presenter, you need to be an excellent listener.

• Being a good listener is not only helpful, it is essential to respond well to what is asked of you,
• A good listener even notices what another person may not be saying
• A good listener is present in the moment, and because of that, extremely magnetic.

We spent a great deal of our time preparing what we are going to answer next so that we look good, so we sound intelligent so we’re snappy and fast. The sad thing is, listening skills have really gone out of the window, and with it find communication.

Is listening so important?

Listening skills are definitely overlooked and there are plenty of misconceptions about when and how to listen. Even when you are the one paid to talk and giving a presentation, you need to listen to your audience. If you have a break scheduled for 10 minutes from now and you hear them getting restless, wrap up and go for the break. Skills like that are what make a good speaker, great.

Do listening skills help with your job search?

You bet they do. I overheard two men interviewing a series of people for a mid-level corporate job. It seemed to me that most of the people interviewed were not answering the questions asked of them. I could see the interviewer’s eyes glaze over. At the end of the interview sessions, I asked the interviewer what was the single biggest thing that disappointed him about the people they were interviewing. Are you ready for this?

He said, “They don’t listen! No matter what I ask them, they go on and on about their qualifications, how perfect they are for the job, about what they expect from the job and they are not listening to me. What kind of employees are they going to be if they can’t even listen in an interview?” I have always remembered his answer. How does this apply to you? Let’s look at three scenarios.

Talking with your boss

Every situation benefits from good listening skills. It is especially important that you listen to your boss. Listen to what he or she is saying, listen to what is asked of you, listen to her tone of voice, read his body language and listen with all of your senses. Take your time before you respond. Squeeze your toes in your shoes two times at least, before you answer a question. Well thought out answers are so much more impressive than careless ones.

In a meeting

Listening well in a meeting saves an enormous amount of time. If you listen well you will also avoid misunderstandings. If you want to impress others around you – listen. You will impress them because you have really listened to the questions being asked, the problems brought to the table and you will have legitimate solutions –  all because you truly listened.

In networking

If you’re not listening to the people you’re speaking with, all you’re doing is blowing your own horn. To make fine music together, you have to listen to each other. If you’ve ever watched a jazz trio play or chamber quartet, you’ll see they are listening to each other and blending. Whether or not you listen to the people you are networking with will make a big difference in how they perceive you. It will also make a difference in how forthcoming they will be with any help. If someone’s senses you are truly interested in them, they will be far more likely to remember you.

Listening is the most essential element of good communication. Don’t forget to breathe, to think, listen, listen, and listen some more, and then speak.

There is a Chinese proverb that says, “To listen well is as powerful a means of influence as to talk well.” And I might add, it is essential to true communication.

Are you aware of how remarkable our bodies are and how unconsciously expressive we are? Have you noticed a small group of people talking to each other and one or two members of that group have their feet pointed not toward the group but away from the group. What you think that means? It means those people can’t wait to leave.
Did you know that if you hide your hands while you’re talking people may feel uneasy? Think about a board meeting and if someone keeps their hands underneath the table, something doesn’t feel quite right.

All of these examples happen every single day. We have live theater surrounding us every moment of our lives. I’ve got some field work for you. Start paying attention to the people around you; how they interact with you and how they interact with others. Start paying attention to your own body language and what our ancient limbic brain reveals about us. It is quite astounding.Let me know what patterns you start noticing.

I will write more in my next blog.

Are you a magnetic listener?  When you listen to someone else speaking, are you really listening, or are you searching your mind for your next response?

Most of us are guilty of not really listening to another person when they speak.  Truly listening to another person is an art.  So much of an art, that the business of life coaching has grown over the past 10 years from a startup to a valuable resource that most people know about, and have tried.

When you listen to another person, learn to use your eyes to listen, not just your years.  Observe the expression in someone else’s face.  Observe their body language, and be aware of yourl body language.

To be truly listened to, respectfully listened to, is one of the deep joys of real communication.  In a way, our world is brought to closer together by e-mail and IM’s, and texting, but let us not lose the art of simple human communication.

You will find people pay more attention to you and respond more positively to you when you listen well. You’ll find more personal and professional success by developing this all important and essential trait. Start now.

November 29, 2010

Interview with Blog Talk Radio, Adrenaline Living with host, Angelia Miller

Mastering Your Voice of Success

This interview was edited by Adria Firestone to make the content more concise and clear.

Angelia Miller: Today I have Adria Firestone with us who is a professional transformation coach, speaker and contemporary philosopher whose rich life experience allows her to be a performance consultant in one breath and a career coach in the next.

Adria is a highly sensitive person, or HSP, who has made a life out of using her sensitivity to transform how she teaches others to communicate with the world. I think we’re going to have a really wonderful conversation today, especially on the topic of voice and how we are judged so critically within those first few 30 seconds. I think, it’s down to 10 seconds now … so, welcome.

Adria Firestone: It’s so nice to be here Angelia, thank you.

Angelia Miller: What are your thoughts on how absolutely terrible it is to be judged within the first 10 seconds?

Adria Firestone: It is terrible to be judged, but it’s something we humans do automatically. When you walk into a room, people look at you and that glance leaves an impression on them. The second thing that impresses them is your voice, even when you say hello. various accents and speeds of speech] . . . Even though my words said one thing, my voice is saying something absolutely different. So look at your speaking voice as a calling card. It is one of the most important flags – it’s holding up your emblem and saying, “This is who I am.” It commands attention or it can repel others.

Angelia Miller: Absolutely. I’ll just start off with the topic of HSP’s (highly sensitive people) and their voices. Because I know that highly sensitive people feel things so very deeply, what happens to the voice when you are feeling very deeply?

Adria Firestone: On the positive end of that  Angelia, as a highly sensitive person, your emotions are going to transmit themselves in your voice. That’s the positive side of it. If you’re upset, a person’s going to know you’re upset. If you’re happy, they’re going to know you’re happy just by the sound of your voice, not looking at you physically. But over a phone, if you ask someone you care about and they are a highly sensitive person, “How are you, honey,” and they say, “Oh, I’m… I’m fine. I’m really fine.” Well, you know darn well they are not fine because you can hear in their transparent sound, their true emotion, their authenticity.

The negative side Angelia is, your sensitivity can grab you by the throat and make you feel as though you’re strangling. It’s a very uncomfortable feeling when you get all choked up. Literally, it feels like there’s a hand around your throat. When we become fearful of revealing our true emotions, our hearts beat faster, our knees become weak, and our breath is the first thing to go. Breath is everything. Of course breath is life, but breath is also sound. And unless you use your core to breathe, what’s going to happen is you become choked up. You’re going to lose clarity. You can become hoarse because you’re not supporting your sound. There are physical tensions that happen in the jaw, the neck, the trapezius muscles, the rhomboids, [that will get in your way vocally.] One of the key elements to releasing tension is breath. So breath helps a highly sensitive person or even an insensitive person – without breath, you wouldn’t be here.

Angelia Miller: Absolutely. That leads us naturally to the next topic which is the breath. There is, you know relaxation. I would be the first one to say that my breath just gets stuck. I start to breathe very shallowly. I can focus on it for a little bit but then when I get agitated or aggravated or maybe I’m just feeling, very up – it won’t settle down into the body the way it’s supposed to. So let’s talk about breath.

Adria Firestone: Okay, well, as a singer, I spent half of my life learning how to breathe. Let’s picture we have an x-ray machine. Look at the rib cage, that marvelous cage of bones that protects our heart and lungs. Underneath the lungs, in the bottom curve of the rib cage, there is a huge muscle, a very, very strong muscle called the diaphragm. When people talk about breathing from the diaphragm they are talking about that muscle.

Angelia, try this with me. Cuddle back in your chair and feel the lower end of your spine in your chair. Put your thumb very softly on your navel and let your hand rest on your belly. Let your body be nice and relaxed. Take a breath and release it with an “Ahhhhhh!” Now, if you breathing properly, when you breathe in your belly is actually going to move out. As you blow the air out, exhaling, you’re going to feel your stomach go in. Now there’s not actually any air in your stomach. Hopefully not. (Laughs) You’re learning to use abdominal muscles; your core strength. You are helping the diaphragm do its work of lifting and falling which helps the lungs in turn do their work – the natural fill up of air, exhalation and using air properly.

Angelia, my speaking voice should sound the same as my singing voice, because they’re one and the same, one just has more air underneath it. The speaking voice should have the same resonance, should have the same color. You’re a speaker – you have this radio show. Your voice has to be able to express what you want. I can’t see you. I can’t see the expression of your hands or your eyes, or what your shoulders are doing. But I need to be able, as a listener, to get that in your voice. So the use of breath is the first step. Good singing and good speaking is healthful sound and breath is the thing that gives you volume and support.

Angelia Miller: I heard Pavarotti talking about support. I want to get your opinion because he was talking about pushing down as if going to the bathroom and he apologized all over the place for the way that sounded. So, what is the difference with that support that he was talking about and the support that you’re talking about?

Adria Firestone: Well Angelia, over the years, I studied not with just one teacher, but with several. Different teachers and experts have different methods. Most opera teachers will not say your speaking voice is the same as your singing voice. There are teachers that will talk about support that has to do with pushing down, as Pavarotti was talking about, or that has to do with holding your rib cage out, holding the diaphragmatic muscle in a certain position. To me , push is anathema to what I teach – support needs to be natural and fluid. Pushing doesn’t work for me and when I teach my clients, it’s not about pushing or holding. It’s about FLOW. It’s all about flow. I don’t think we realize how many times a day we hold our breath. When I get out of a chair I find I’m holding my breath. I find myself holding my breath as I walk upstairs, as I pick up something. Instead, breath gives me strength if it is flowing properly. So to me, it’s all about flow and it’s about relaxation, which opens up resonances in the head, the sinuses and your chest cavity, which gives you your unique color.

Now, Pavarotti was one of the greatest singers on this planet. So I kiss his technique. I think it was magnificent. If he calls it pushing or whatever he called it, that worked beautifully for him. When you saw that man sing, you saw extreme concentration in his eyes. There was relaxation in his jaw and his body worked as a beautiful, breathing machine. His focus, his color… It was heavenly, just heavenly.

Angelia Miller: Absolutely.

Adria Firestone: So there are many different techniques, Angelia. I like to get as close to natural as I possibly can.

Angelia Miller: It seems like I remember he said that the voice was like a wild animal or a wild beast. Which I thought was hilarious coming up Pavarotti’s mouth.

Adria Firestone: I think I agree with that. Yes. Yes.

Angelia Miller: So I think we should talk a little bit about – and you’re right there so many doctrines – where do you go with wanting to improve your voice? And do people feel support in different ways, which is another topic?

Adria Firestone: I’ve had students say to me, I want you to write a book, Adria. Come on! Write a book. I want to know that I can go to chapter 5 and I can work on my high notes again. Or I can work on getting my speaking voice to sound a certain way. My response to that is usually, we are all very different animals. Most of us have one nose and two eyes, sinus cavity a chest cavity, etc. yes we’re built basically the same. In other words, there a lot of different models of cars, but they’re all cars. So yes, we’re, human – but a good teacher needs to commit themselves [to clarity of communication for each individual student.]

If I say to someone, I’d like you to make a tiny little sound for me, I’d like you to feel that your nose gets buzzy, that your lips get itchy because your vibrations are so far forward. Or I’ll say to someone do, oo, we oo, we, oo to bring your vibrations forward. Well I’ve had clients say to me. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t get it. I don’t feel any vibration anywhere. So I’ll try it another way all say , “Um hmmmm, do you feel a vibration between your lips? That’s what I’m after.” Another person doesn’t get that and I’ll say to them, “Can you make a really ugly sound?” I need to work with that client until we get to the point we’re speaking the same language.

The exciting thing about working with the voice is that it’s invisible. So I think Pavarotti was right, its a wild beast because it’s invisible. I can’t reach in and adjust it with my index finger. Those two tiny bits of tissue are invisible to me and those of us who are crazy enough to build an entire career on these vocal cords! It’s a matter of how you communicate with this unseen thing, about this unseen voice box, about the feeling there’s tension happening in your jaw, and how to release that tension. All of these things require excellent communication and a willingness to put the ego down and say, “If the client doesn’t get it, I need to find another way to present it.” You keep doing that and that allows you to find not a homogenized voice, but unique reality. What you want is for each individual to sound like his or her best self and that requires patience and excellent communication. It’s finding metaphors that work, just like your show, metaphors for living.

Angelia Miller: Let us talk about when they first come into the studio and say they’re coming in because they want to improve the quality of their voice. So do you diagnose them first to find out where their voices projecting from? How do you start off with this person?

Adria Firestone: What I would do is actually quite simple and very natural. I actually give classes online as well and work with speakers, singers and voice actors. The first thing I do is simply have a talk with this person. Talk the same way that you are asking me questions. I get quiet, I listen intently and I pay attention, not just to the words that they’re using to express themselves because that’s part of communication, but much more. How do they express themselves?

I’m not prejudiced here; I’m simply being realistic. A woman will say, “ Well, what I really mean to say is. . ” or “Where do you want to eat? Well, I, what I really mean is, no, tell me what you want.”  [There is an indecisive, uncertain quality about that delivery]. How do they use their body to express themselves when talking to me?  Are they all hunched over in a chair? Are their shoulders caved in and they’re covering their hearts? Are they comfortable in their body? Are they comfortable with visual contact and looking in my eyes? And then, when I’m listening to their speaking – are dental problems in the way?

For example, the other day was working with a client and I tried to get her to do an exercise, I noticed that tension was happening in her jaw and I asked what is it I’m seeing here? You could see it very clearly on the video because we get right into the camera. She said to me “ I have an impacted tooth and I need to go to the dentist.” Things like that will make me realize something is wrong. Are they using a belly breath or is it very shallow in the top of the chest and somewhat scratchy, is there hoarseness? Is the position of the voice high and I feel tension in the neck.

When we sit at a [computer] keyboard a long time our chins go out. When we’re talking to someone, our chins go out toward that person – what are we selling? Stop selling. Pull back in. Be velvet. Velvet absorbs light – that’s attractiveness. So I need to observe all of these things and make notes. A lot of times we’ll simply do some  simple exercises to see how easy or comfortable that is in the person’s voice. All of these are indicators. Listening to the sound of the voice. Is it clear? Is it well supported by breathing? Those veins that stand out in the neck when you see some singers sing – if you producing a sound correctly, you don’t need to do that. But I love to hear the sound of Joe Cocker because it’s a growling-from-the-gut sound that really wrenches me. Would I want to change that sound? Absolutely not. Is it beautifully produced? Absolutely not.

So it’s a matter of what is unique to that person. We always have to respect that. Are they a mountain of the person who is using a little tiny voice or someone who is itsy-bitsy and trying to show the world “I am not 5 feet tall, I’m huge and I want you to listen to me.” It’s a matter of finding out what the client needs. It really is getting into service.,

Angelia Miller: I talked to a lady and she surprised me, her voice was so youthful, I thought I was speaking to a child. Actually, she was an adult and quite old. I think many women including myself, can relate to having that tiny scratchy voice or having that little tiny girls voice. Let’s talk a little bit about that. Maybe even a little bit of the psychology of the sound. In your years of teaching why do women do this?

Adria Firestone: We are taught (and fortunately this is changing for the better and it delights me and I hope to be one of the instruments of that kind of change) to lower our voice, lower our heads, be submissive, don’t say no. Please others. Oh, that huge phrase. Please other people. So many times, we become such a ‘pleaser’ it makes us downright sick. It is as though we’re trying to speak, but at the same time clapping a hand over our mouths. What we really want to say is, “How could you do that to me? Don’t you know that I’m hurting? This hurts me.” Instead we say, “Well,  I’m sorry, I guess I said something that got you upset. Would you like something to eat?” We are deflecting our anger, deflecting our outrage, deflecting the fact that you want to speak up and the voices from your past tell you hush little baby don’t you cry. Well you know something, there is a time to cry out, not just cry, but stamp your feet and yell! If you think I’m a revolutionary Angelia, you’re right… (Laughs)

Angelia Miller: I attract them.

Adria Firestone: Yeah! (Laughs) Long live the revolution. (Laughs) That’s good. That’s saying something.

Angelia Miller: All right, let’s move forward to tension in the jaw because I do think it’s a very large problem. We see people sitting at the computer all day and have tension in the neck and maybe in their shoulders. I’m very guilty of this. I have so much tension in my neck and shoulders. Let us talk a little bit about that and maybe how we can remedy that.

Adria Firestone: Oh good, can we do some exercises?

Angelia Miller: Yes

Adria Firestone: Good, good! I had the pleasure of working with a voice expert when I was singing at Houston Grand Opera back in the late 80s. I worked with Maria D’Antoni speech pathologist. We were in dress rehearsal week and I was getting hoarse. I was feeling like I had a sore throat. I could not understand what was going on. My ENT doctor said, “Well, I think you have allergies and you need to get with an allergist, but Adria, you know there’s something funny with your speaking voice. I’d like you to go to Maria.”

She had me read a passage from a book and she recorded it..” I did a few little exercises and we listened to the tape we’d just made. “Listen to the passage that you just read.” I’ll never forget it was called the rainbow passage and she asked what I noticed about these two? I listened – one of them sounds very natural. The other one sounds like a bass baritone. We both started laughing and she said Adria believe it or not, you are speaking an entire fifth [five notes] lower than your natural speaking voice. Where do you think that comes from and I said I don’t know. She said, “Let me give you this book. I don’t know if you ever heard of it, a book called The Voice of Depression.”

It was horrifying Angelia, because it was true. I started performing when I was a little girl, at five I was modeling and by 10 years old, I was on stage. I had to be grown-up and one of the ways I accomplished that, was pushing my voice down because it sounded more authoritative and more grown-up. I was always the youngest one in the cast and I was trying to be part of the gang. Maria and I worked long and hard. I went there three times a week during those last rehearsals and it made such a huge difference not just in my speaking voice, but in my singing voice as well. When I got to dress rehearsal, my conductor looked up and asked what I was doing differently. I said I’m just singing lightly — he said that’s exactly where it needs to be!

These exercises made a huge difference. So, cuddle back in your chair, get nice and relaxed and put your hands on your thighs. Relax your arms and your elbows. Lift up your shoulders without using your arms, lift up your shoulders to your ears and roll them back. Roll them back and squeeze. Do you feel that ache between your shoulder blades? Those are the rhomboids screaming at you – squeeze, squeeze, squeeze. Keep breathing, and let your breath out with a sigh and let your shoulders go down. That simple rhomboid squeeze makes a huge difference because it makes your shoulders go back and makes your chest open up. It gives you mental clarity, more resonance in your sound and brings you calm. Now if that ain’t a win-win situation, I don’t know what is!

The second exercise is called heads up. Remain in that relaxed seated position, look at the ceiling with your eyes and then stretch your chin to the ceiling. Stretch, stretch, stretch. Stretch your jaw to the ceiling and count 1, 2, 3,,4 and 5 and return to your neutral position slowly and easily. Don’t jerk. Do that 2 more times, eyes to the ceiling, chin to the ceiling. One, 2 3, 4 and 5 and come back to the center. Make sure you keep breathing, relax your toes, relax your knees, don’t hold tension anywhere, let your fingers be loose, one more time – eyes to the ceiling, chin to the ceiling and 1, 2, 3, ,4 and 5 and back to neutral.

That jaw hasn’t been stretched out like that in a long time. If it had little hands, it would be patting you. The last exercise is: clasp your hands together on the back of your head and very gently pull your chin to your chest. This is called heads down and don’t yank, don’t pull, let the breath loosen [your muscles] 1,2, 3, 4 and 5. Come back up. Depending on your level of tension you may feel that in the back of your neck or between your shoulder blades or even as low as your waist. Clasp your hands again on the back of your head and chin to your chest easy – let the weight of your elbows coming in be the thing that drags your head down gently, softly, no yanking. These are precious muscles, so let your head come back to your nice neutral. Now one more time, hands in the back of your head, chin to your chest and breathe, 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5.  How does that feel Angelia?

Angelia Miller: You’re right about that tension.

Adria Firestone: You know, your voice just changed, it got rounder. Isn’t that interesting. Where did you feel your pull, especially with the head down exercise?

Angelia Miller: I felt it there in the back of the neck and on the shoulders, which is an area that I carry a lot of tension.

Adria Firestone: Yes, the trapezius are involved too, they’re right on top of your shoulders, big muscles. As I was saying, when we sit at a keyboard and our chin starts going toward the screen of the computer this creates a strain because your head weighs as much as a bowling ball. Think about it – you have a huge bowling ball off balance on this delicate spine. If we hang the bowling ball out in space, it creates enormous tension. Take your index finger and push your chin back, toward an imaginary high collar behind you. When you line your head up the way it should be, over your spine, it releases trapezius, rhomboid and occipital tension. Almost immediately, you feel the difference when you align your head and shoulders in a position where they should be in relationship to each other. But its a habit and we don’t notice it until we change it

These are just three short exercises. They have been so successful for my clients so successful in fact, they’ve been saying to me you have to make an MP3 so I can put it on my iPod and I have promised to do this. Tension and tightness is death to breath. Breath is flow and alive, soft, rich, full, and living right from the core of you.

Angelia Miller: You know I think we should talk a little bit about those first 10 seconds because it seems like statistics were indicating that not all of it comes from the visual but from something else. People are making an impression from what they’re listening to as well as what they’re looking at. So you can have two people who are equally expert on a topic, but if one of the persons does not sound like they’re an authority, people will automatically go to the other person. That happens even with people that aren’t  particularly experts on that subject because they sound good, which can be so aggrava. . .

Adria Firestone: I lost you. Are you there, Angelia? Are you there? I will call back in case we have been disconnected. I’m going to sign off and call back again, bye.

Silence.

Angelia Miller: . . . It’s important to have that quality to your voice because people are judging you on the sound of your voice. It’s one of the secret weapons to success. . Please hold on a moment. Sometimes blog talk does funny things. So I’m trying to get it back up. . . It can be very frustrating to be someone who may be highly qualified and you wonder why you’re not getting the respect you want, especially as a woman, and it would be the fact that your speaking voice is standing in your way. And it’s usually important to spend time to improve it.

Adria Firestone: Angelia, I am here. I hear you.

Angelia Miller: Are you there?. . . I’m glad it was be able to get back up. Sometimes blog talk will do funny things.

Adria Firestone: You were talking about how difficult it is when someone who is maybe not as knowledgeable as another person doesn’t have the skills to present himself or herself well, doesn’t have a voice that is pleasing, and what happens is, the other person gets the attention. You said that was frustrating. I agree with you. Those first 10 seconds is not just the sound of your voice, its body language too. Body language is extraordinary and how you present yourself, whether you’re wearing a designer suit or not, doesn’t make a difference but you want to be able to present yourself well. One quick fix is to simply raise your shoulders to your ears, roll them back, squeeze and drop them down. Just this simple exercise will bring your shoulders back and will in a sense, expose your heart. It creates is open space from which you are communicating. I’m saying I’m open and I’m available. Also showing the inside of the arms shows willingness to listen, willingness to be available.

The way you shake hands makes a huge difference, and if you have all this beautiful body language and then you say “Hi how are you, my name is Ms. Smith,” in a horrific voice. Its just not going to work. (Laughs) Getting into your body, using the core, using the breath is going to change the way your voice sounds. Sometimes in a presentation while I’m being introduced as a professional speaker and speaking expert, I will shuffle in with a clump of papers clutched to my chest, my shoulders rounded and drop all the papers. At that point my audience is wondering what’s going on and suddenly I straighten my body, change the angle of my shoulders, my head,  change how I use my gaze and walk into my sound. Then I command attention and silence. When you can command silence, Angelia you’re reaching a point not only of great artistry, but of an enormous power. A human being completely grounded and authentic [creates an unforgettable impression.]

Angelia Miller: I love the fact that you pointed out to us that you are a highly sensitive person because I believe a lot of people think an HSP means you are incapable of being a speaker, of being able to talk to people.

Adria Firestone: An HSP makes us better, it really does. A highly sensitive person can feel their audience very intensely and if you get into service and want to share, it so exciting. If those two things are illuminated, service & sharing and fueled by passion, it’s an aphrodisiac for a speaker. It’s an aphrodisiac for anyone who is a communicator.

You know, we primates have opposable thumbs, that’s a very cool thing, but more than that, we can communicate with words, not just sounds and that’s extraordinary. I used to think that teaching communication skills or presentation skills seemed superfluous. Now I realize it’s not about raising your right eyebrow so the audience will give you a standing ovation. It’s about service. It’s about sharing what you know.

There are people Angelia, who come out of college with degrees and cannot speak – they can’t speak! If you can’t speak, how am I ever going to know what you’re trying to tell me? It’s about communication with the world at large, like what we’re doing right now. Your show is communicating larger concepts and brings us together because in the end we’re all the same.

Angelia Miller: You know, Adria I think the biggest secret is learning to communicate powerfully without having an affected sound, and we all know what an affected sound is. The power is in the voice and in your appearance to a certain extent.

Adria Firestone: . . . and in how you hold your body.

Angelia Miller: Yes, absolutely. I love to observe people. You may be in a situation where there a lot of people in a room and there are people who are larger and have bigger voices. There are people who have smaller voices and maybe not as resonant  There may be a difference in the knowledge that these people have, but it doesn’t really matter, because the person who has a voice of authority, people will naturally look to that particular individual for guidance, they don’t even know that the person is an expert.

Adria Firestone: That is absolutely true. They don’t know, but something pulls them and it’s their ears that are pulling them. It’s that individual, indefinable thing. When a person has a passion to communicate, a desire to share and a desire to serve those who are with them on this planet, that’s quite irresistible, Angelia. I mean if we could take those qualities and put them in a pill, I think we’d be billionaires really, really soon. (Laughs) Maybe we should get together after the show and start talking. Let’s start planning…

Angelia Miller: Absolutely. I think we could probably whip out 1 trillion of that one.

Adria Firestone: I bet we could, bet we could.

Angelia Miller: I appreciate Adria being on the show today, and want to give her plenty of time to tell us about her website, any project she’s involved in and how you can contact her if you would like some guidance.

Adria Firestone: Oh, that’s wonderful, thank you for that. Angelia. My e-mail address and my website are both just my name. So I’ll never forget who I am. So it’s, www.adriafirestone.com and my contact number is 877-500-5717.

I work with clients all over the world on Skype and we make our own virtual time zone. I’m writing a book called Harness Your Zebra: How to Control Stage Fright for the Performing Artist and another for the layman.  I want to better communication in this world. I know I sound like a Miss America contestant, saying I want world peace – well, you know something? I do. Communication allows that. Communication will help that. This has been such a pleasure; it’s been a delight. I really enjoyed it.

Angelia Miller: Excellent, excellent. And with that I’m going to close out the show today and thank you once again for being on the show. I know that we have barely scratched the surface once again.

Adria Firestone: Maybe we will have to do part 3, part 23, part 75, you never know. Thank you. Angelia. Take care and keep breathing. Breathe!

Angelia Miller: This has been Angelia Miller with Adrenaline Living – a metaphor for life. Until next time, goodbye.

How about a mini vacation?  You do not have to go anywhere or use any equipment. All you need is yourself, your breath and about 3.5 minutes!

I had many fascinating experiences in my life as I traveled the world and one of them was meeting a Thai monk who had been in a monastery for 30 years and left to join the secular world. He was a fascinating man and was a specialist in Thai massage.

Thai Miracles

He told me a story of a laborer in Thailand who fell off a roof while repairing it. The man was so severely injured his spine broken, his legs broken, that he was unable to do anything and was carried to the Temple every day for treatment with this monk.

Patiently, bit by bit he began to walk, more slowly than a turtle, with the aid of canes, although severely bent over. After six years – imagine this – six years of Thai massage, the roofer was able to walk upright and resume working. Now that is a miracle.

I wish I could say to you that I have taken the essence of this wonderful man, put it in a capsule, you will take one this evening and by morning you will be totally stress-free. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Many things that are worthwhile happen in increments.

Are there miraculous, instantaneous healings? Yes, but they’re pretty rare. The incredible power of Thai massage is well known and the same monk when he was doing massage on me, made me laugh heartily. He was working on my feet and he looked at the sole of my right foot and then looked at the sole of my left foot and started chuckling to himself. When asked what was so funny, his comment was, “Your right foot say when you were young, you were wild woman, very wild woman! Now you are monk!” At least someone recognizes I’ve become a saint. All kidding aside, I have taken something that he taught me, added innovations of my own, and voilà the Cycle of 9 was born.

Benefits

I promise you that the refreshment of these 3.5 minutes will surprise you on many levels. You will notice increased mental clarity. You will notice your neck feels longer and the muscles in your shoulders have relaxed enormously. You will be amazed to find how much we hold our breath and how much we tense muscles when working, especially at a desk.

One of the reasons why orchestral conductors have such tremendous stamina and usually live until ripe old ages, is because of their constant upper body workout, their breath use and the use of their arms which is very akin to what a baby does when it cries. A baby only breathes perfectly utilizing its diaphragm, but it can scream for hours and not become hoarse because it is breathing perfectly and it’s usually flailing its little arms around.

You will notice even your speaking voice will feel and sound different, because you are utilizing your core, not merely the shallow breathing that most of us do day in and day out.

Cycle of 9

So how is the Cycle of 9 done properly? First if you’ve been sitting a long time get up, and get into a nice neutral position. Neutral position is your feet facing straight ahead, your ankles and your hipbones are aligned; and you’ve corrected your sway back by tilting the pelvis up just a bit.  Now, lift your shoulders to your ears, roll them back and drop them down. That opens your chest around the sternum. Feel the expansion in your rib cage?

Put your thumb on your navel; relax your hand between your navel and your pubic bone and try, as you breathe, to move your hand softly in and out. As you breathe in your abdominal muscles will extend, and as you release the breath or exhale, the abdominal muscles will contract and come in back toward the spine.

From a seated position, make sure your feet are flat on the floor, your hands are relaxed on your thighs and you do the same thing as when you’re standing up – lift up your shoulders to your ears without using your arms, roll them back and drop them down. Do you feel the opening in your chest? With this simple prep, you are ready to perform the Cycle of 9.

Stand, or seat yourself comfortably on a chair and close your eyes.

Breathe in through your nose and exhale with an

audible sigh through your mouth.

Again, breathe in through your nose and exhale with a

audible sigh through your mouth.

Again, breathe in through your nose and exhale with a

audible sigh through your mouth.

***

Open your eyes and gaze at the midpoint of a wall or the horizon.

Breathe in through your nose and exhale with a

audible sigh through your mouth.

Again, breathe in through your nose and exhale with a

audible sigh through your mouth.

Again, breathe in through your nose and exhale with a

audible sigh through your mouth.

***

Close your eyes again.

Breathe in through your nose and exhale with a

audible sigh through your mouth.

Again, breathe in through your nose and exhale with a

audible sigh through your mouth.

Again, breathe in through your nose and exhale with a

audible sigh through your mouth.

The Cycle of 9 is perfect for voice over actors before and in between reads, for actors and singers before you go on stage and most definitely for the professional speaker.

If you wish guidance through this relaxation cycle,  you can purchase an MP3 file. $2.99US. Do not listen to this track while you’re driving.

Breathe not just for life itself, but to clear the cobwebs out of our heads, loosen our muscles and open our hearts – an ideal way to communicate!

Other than the first impression of your physical appearance, your voice is usually the next thing that reaches out to another human. Over a phone, it is your very first impression. Your voice at the deepest and most intimate level is your calling card. Yet most people, unless they are TV anchor people or an actors, usually ignore the sound of their own success – or lack of it. Business people spend a ton of money on business cards and ignore the obvious – their audible business card, their voice and their diction.

The shock of hearing your own voice

I’m sure you’ve had a moment when you listened to your own voice and was shocked by the fact that it didn’t sound anything like you thought you sounded. You sounded too high, too nasal, too strident, too soft, too flat, or too something. We don’t hesitate to spend $80 for a haircut, $120. for shoes or more for a fabulous outfit and don’t pay attention to the fact that our voice is our most valuable asset and can attract, or repel.

Well, help is at hand. No vocal expert is going to try to change your voice so you sound like everybody else. To do that, one would have to remake the human, not just the sound. One of the fabulous things about each of us is how we react to things. So therefore, our emotions and a voice that is transparent, where you can understand and appreciate the emotion the person is experiencing at that time, is remarkable and magnetic. It allows you to be, even in your everyday lives, a great storyteller. I can remember a client who had that magic and charisma. If he were describing a glass of water, within 5 minutes, you’d be so fascinated, you’d be marveling at a simple glass of water!

Learn to release your tension

One of the main culprits in not using your voice fully is tension in the neck and jaw. So how about some exercises? When I was performing with Houston Grand Opera, I had the experience of working with Maria D’Antoni, a speech pathologist, who was a revelation to me. I was having constant vocal problems as tension mounted when I entered dress rehearsal week. One of the things she and I discovered was that I was talking almost 5 notes below my normal speech range. Part of that was because I entered show business so young and was trying mightily to appear older and more sophisticated, so I lowered my voice because it was more commanding. It was also fake.

Maria stressed the central problem is too much tension in the throat. For example, we usually experience hoarseness after shouting at a sporting event, yet a baby can cry for over an hour with no ill effects. Have you ever heard a hoarse baby? No, because they’re fully relaxed, breathing from their diaphragms and flinging their arms around. She gave me wonderful exercises that helped release that tension.

Breathing & Flow

I’m going to share three of these exercises with you, which will help relax your jaw your neck and get you breathing. First, how should you be breathing? Look at a baby sleeping peacefully in a crib and see how incredibly active that marvelous little tummy is. It moves up and down softly with each breath the baby takes. When we stand upright we find, if we pay attention, we hold our breath frequently through the day. We hold our breath when we get out of a chair. Oh, you don’t think so? Try it. Start paying attention and you’ll be amazed. We hold our breath when we go upstairs, we hold our breath when we pick up something and instead breath is our key to strength, mental clarity and to calm. Well, breath is life itself, isn’t it? So let us get back to watching the baby. To re-create that feeling, lie down, put your thumb on your navel, and let your hand rest softly in the area between your navel and your pubic bone. When you are lying there, you should be able to experience your hand rising as you take a breath then and falling as you exhale. Try taking in a deep breath without moving your shoulders. Just let it fall in and release it with a sigh. Make each exhalation of breath twice as long as your intake. When you experience the calm you receive from this exercise, you will probably realize you haven’t been breathing fully at all. Most of us do not.

Okay to our exercises, first get yourself very comfortable in a chair, with your hands very softly on your thighs. Raise your shoulders to your ears without using your hands, roll your shoulders back, and squeeze your shoulder blades together. Those are the rhomboid muscles – ouch, they hurt! Let your shoulders fall completely. Do you realize your shoulders are now more erect and you feel like your chest is more open? Okay, first exercise, Heads up: look up to the ceiling, shoulders still relaxed, still breathing and now stretch your chin to the ceiling. Keep breathing, don’t hold your breath. Count slowly from one to five. Return to your neutral position very slowly. Never jerk, never yank, these are precious muscles and we need to release them with breath, not with force. Do that exercise three more times.

The second exercise is called Heads down: from the same relaxed position, clasp your hands behind your head and pull your chin gently to your chest. Don’t yank it. Don’t force it, but breathe, slowly counting again from 1 to 5. Raise your head very, very slowly. Do this exercise two more times.

Feel better? Good.

Pay attention to the effect your voice has on others. You may feel a little self-conscious for a couple of days, but you’ll be fascinated by the results. Even though I have worked on my voice as a singer for over 30 years and now as voice and presentation consultant, I am very aware of voices – I was amazed and I remember clearly, a special moment. Someone had done something kind for me. I don’t even remember what it was. I remember saying thank you and I felt like my heart was in my voice. The person turned around to me and had tears in their eyes. It’s a joy to communicate that well.

That’s what the sound of a voice can do, so don’t ignore the power that lurks at the core of your being and in your throat ready to reach out and pull people, opportunities and miracles to you.

Enjoy my latest radio interview with Angelia Miller on Blog Talk Radio.

For anyone who sings or speaks for a living, or for that matter, anyone who’s suffered through a dry winter, especially in an area of the country where any kind of heating is necessary, a humidifier can be a godsend. Humidifiers can ease problems caused by dry air, but there’s a big caveat here: they need regular maintenance.

Benefits of Using a Humidifier

If you have dry skin, dry sinuses, bloody noses, cracked lips and dry eyes (ouch, when you’re wearing contacts!), humidifiers can help soothe these familiar problems. Humidifiers can also help ease symptoms of a cold or another respiratory condition in that they increase moisture levels in the air. There are several types. In this article, I’m only going to address the portable kind. There is of course a central humidifier which is installed into your home HVAC system.

• Ultrasonic humidifiers produce a very fine cool mist
• Impeller humidifiers also produce a cool mist and have a rotating disc which propels the water droplets into the room
• Steam vaporizers These machines use electricity to create steam that cools before leaving the machine. Be careful if you have children around. They can be harmed by the hot water inside of this humidifier.

My worldwide network of ENT doctors almost exclusively recommended a cool mist humidifier.

Humidifier Maintenance

What do I mean by humidifier maintenance? Did you know your humidifier can breed mold and bacteria, lots of it – enough to cause severe health problems, especially if you have mold allergies? You need to monitor your humidity levels and keep your humidifier spotlessly clean.

For the first 11 years of my life, I suffered with bronchial asthma and at that time, humidifiers were not thought of as a remedy. That was fortunate for me because we lived in Florida and didn’t have central air conditioning. Our house was a breeding ground for mold anyway and it turns out I was super allergic to mold.

After I became a singer and especially in dry airplanes where humidity falls below 20% percent, I started purchasing the less expensive impeller humidifiers when I was on the road and would discard or leave them for the next singer. I didn’t know about the health hazards and got into trouble a few times without ever knowing the source. So, I caution, If you have mold allergies, are prone to bronchial infections or asthma, I suggest you ask your doctor before using a humidifier.

Too much of a good thing?

Your home can feel stuffy if the humidity in your house is too high, or you might notice condensation on the walls, floors or other services. Best of all, measure your humidity with a hygrometer.  It looks like a thermometer and measures the amount of moisture in the air. A hygrometer can be purchased at a hardware store or department store and there are those humidifier models that come with a built-in hygrometer or a humidistat that makes sure humidity stays within a healthy range. Keep the area around humidifiers dry. If rugs, windows, or carpeting get damp around the humidifier, turn the humidifier down or reduce your frequency of use.

Humidifier Maintenance

Filters and dirty reservoirs in humidifiers can quickly breed bacteria and mold. Dirty humidifiers can be a real problem for people with asthma and allergies, even for healthy people. Humidifiers have the potential to trigger lung infections when contaminated. Steam vaporizers or evaporators may be less likely to release airborne allergens because the water is heated to a very high temperature before it is released as a cooler mist.

Helpful tips

Use distilled water. Tap water contains lots of minerals that create deposits and ruin your humidifier a lot faster and can also promote bacterial growth. Have you ever seen the white dust that ends up on your furniture? That’s where it comes from.

Change your humidifier water every day. Don’t allow film or deposits to develop inside the tank. Empty the tank, dry it and refill with clean water every day. Yes, it’s a lot of work, but a much better alternative being sick, yes?

The Mayo Clinic recommends that you,

“Clean humidifiers every three days. Unplug the humidifier before you clean it. Remove any mineral deposits or film from the tank or other parts of the humidifier with a 3% hydrogen peroxide solution, which is available at pharmacies. Some manufacturers recommend using chlorine bleach or other disinfectants. And always, rinse the tank after cleaning to keep harmful chemicals from becoming airborne.”

Before you store your humidifier make sure you drain, clean and dry it, then clean it again when you take it out of storage for use.  Throw away all used cartridges or filters.

An important note:  replace all humidifiers if you notice film or buildup that can’t be removed. My personal experience is every couple of years, even though I was being really strict with how clean I kept the humidifier.

Air cleaners for those of you that have pets or live in urban areas and noticed a lot of dust on your furniture, I’ve discovered something that is working well for me right now. I’m using the 3M Filtrete FAP03-RS Ultra Clean Air Purifier in my bedroom and office and downstairs for my living room and dining room area. I notice a big change in the stuffiness of my sinuses when I wake up and especially during allergy season. An added bonus is my furniture stays cleaner and the dust is a lot less.

There are much more expensive models with HEPA filters, but those filters also cost you an arm or leg. So I find this a good mid range air cleaner, and its unobstrusive and has 3 levels of operation. You can barely hear level 1, but I blast it at 3. But do remember, it can’t compete with a $500 HEPA model. Try it, and let me know how you like it.

Here’s to your health.

Have you ever asked yourself, “Is that all there is?” Do you have all the outward trappings of success and yet you haven’t felt simple joy in years?

I certainly know that feeling. I was backstage warming up for my first entrance as the leading lady in Cordoba, Spain and all of a sudden I had a very quiet, but stunning, realization; this is the last Carmen I was ever going to do.

My heart wasn’t in it anymore. Yes, I traveled the globe and sang in fabulous theaters, I was voted Woman of the Year in Italy, I dined with the Cultural Minister of China, I sang for the Queen of Thailand, the Sultan of Oman and was mobbed in Shanghai like a rock star — but I was worn out. What did any of it mean, and what did any of it matter?

I had traveled the world’s stages as an opera singer for over 25 years and finally realized I needed to explore a far more foreign and important place — me. After I removed all the masks, who was I and what did I want? What would make me happy? I had no idea.

Life coaching beckoned and I began ten years of very intense study and personal discovery. The tools I use in my practice now are the same tools that I used to uncover my purpose, my authentic self and my path into a more fulfilling life.

I love transformation; I live it and I guide and inspire others to do it. Even shows like Sell This House delight me because of the before and afters. My clients’ transformations top that by a mile!

I learned I had to put aside pleasing others and find out what pleased me. I learned I had to put the oxygen mask on my own face first before I could help anyone else. I learned the value of the word, “No.” I have learned to honor my process and my timing. I learned that I created my life script, and that if I don’t like the script, I have the power to change it.

Coaching isn’t therapy, it deals with your life now and what you want to achieve. Try these great coaching questions. Ask yourself these questions several times, never giving the same answer twice until you feel a rightness, a gut feeling – it’s an excellent exercise and your answers may surprise you.
• What do I want?
• What must I do to get it?
• How would I feel if I get it?
• Oh, so what I really want is to feel ________________.

Here’s an example: What do I want? To earn more money. What must I do to get it? Find a better job. How would I feel if I got a better job? More relaxed, not afraid of my bills. Oh, so what I really want is to feel financially free.

Life coaching is the greatest gift I have given myself. I know life coaching works and my own life coach is a supportive partner in my success. There is nothing more powerful than -
• the answer to “who am I?”
• uncover your purpose
• make peace with your present
• clarify the changes you desire
• design your vision
• take action
• be held accountable for your choices

With a life coach as a respectful partner, you will clarify your vision and take practical steps to make it a joyous reality. I teach what I have learned and experienced. If you are ready to make a change, get a life coach – it works!

A young colleague of mine, relatively new to the business of opera was finding it hard to balance her personal life with her professional career. She was newly married, so much in love and show business has no compassion for the artist, just for the end product — the production. Her mother died, and there was no time to mourn. I can only teach what I have learned, and what I have gone through.

In this letter to her I explored why being human is far more important than your job. I wrote this letter in 2000, two years before I decided to leave singing and at a time when I began to question everything about my life and career.

Be still and know – you are not your job. So much is talked and written about life work balance, I find oftentimes we need to be unbalanced for a time, to honor our life passages. If you don’t nurture who you are as a human on this earth, you won’t be good for any job, not as a sanitation engineer, not as a teacher, not as a brain surgeon – nor an opera singer.

My dearest Susan (the name is has been changed),
I just moved and am surrounded by boxes and construction. As the dust settles, your e-mail has stayed in my head. What I share now is my experience and we are each on our own path. Perhaps a little of what I say will give you new perspective.

You say you have found your career to be more of a struggle than you believe it should be. I felt the same and yet something kept pushing me on to struggle after struggle. Although I came to the Mecca of Opera in the USA, New York and did the requisite starving for six months — maybe I should’ve lived in a cave and starved longer so I could afford to pay a retainer to the best connected agent in the city and to the best publicist. I didn’t. Unless you have a tenor voice, spectacular or un, or a voice like the real mostre sacree, Joan Sutherland, Pavarotti, Caballe — you need that kind of ammunition, if the Fates do not smile upon you and grant your every career wish. Hindsight is always 20/20!

I have been in this business a lot longer than you, am very tired by the struggle and it’s no longer worth it to me. Yes, I wanted to sing at the Met and La Scala, but the fates decreed otherwise. I have simply let go of it all. Now, I sing something when it pleases me, and I’m asking the universe what else am I to do with the tremendous energy and love I possess. I’m exploring many avenues and have no idea where I may end up — scary, but exciting.

I have sung all over the world, I have met remarkable beings and affected many lives, but you know something? I affect the lives of everyone I meet, whether I sing to them or not. It is my soul that has worth and the voice of that soul, not the applause of a faceless crowd that was lauding a character I created, not me.

I have no regrets. This journey of mine has been about the growth of my spirit. I have become inner-directed. The need — the rapacious hunger for approval and love is gone. The approval and love radiates from within now, filling me with light and without effort sometimes illuminates the path of others as well.

I’m sorry to hear of your mothers passing; life always takes precedence over art. It’s real. The next time someone says the show must go on, ask them, “Why?” They may give you a lot of malarkey about bottom lines, but just ask again, “Why?” I sang in Spain the night my father died, why? Because they couldn’t replace me — what matters more?

The mourning of the loss of someone close to us is real and must be faced or the wound never heals and a deep scar remains. Take all the time you need to heal. As for your wonderful relationship with your husband, the world of show business doesn’t smile kindly on real love. Read Baby Doe’s words to her mother at the party in Douglas Moore’s, The Ballad of Baby Doe. True, all true. And even more true in this fake business where love is simulated 14 times a day, complete with heaving breasts and luminous eyes.

When you don’t know what to do, don’t do anything. Wait, let your heart, not your head guide you. Our hearts know with a deep and sacred knowing. Our mind should be the servant of that heart. Is singing right for you? Only you can answer that. The way will present itself – we often become so busy doing, we become human doings instead of human beings. Be still and listen to the angels that surround you. Ask them for help and guidance or they are powerless to act.

Sometimes we need to perch for awhile at the edge of the abyss, teetering this way and that, until we let go, and voilà! – our heart pulls us in the right direction. That direction is uniquely yours; take time, all the time you need. The answers, and your path, lie within you waiting to be discovered. I promise that is true.

We often become frantic with artificial deadlines. Have faith that your timing will be perfect. For example, the Buena Vista Social Club, the old musicians from Cuba discovered by Ry Cooder, from the ages of 75 to 92 are now playing Carnegie Hall and every other concert hall in the world. Bet they never thought that would happen! In perfect time, all things are possible.

Thank you dear one, for inspiring me to put into words part of my journey. I send many blessings and much love.
As ever,
Adria